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The listings for the prestigious venue in Washington D.C. highlights a fun bilingual show and an improvised Shakespeare company. Conspicuously missing from the advertised events is Friday's FIFA World Cup draw, likely because it is a strictly private gathering. Planners seem intent on avoid any unwanted guests from darkening the doorstep at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing procession where well-paid celebrities will undoubtedly parrot the old cliche that "soccer unites the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Line-Up

The lavish event is due to be hosted by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside small-statured US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be American football legend Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Together, they will host a ceremony that will undoubtedly have English football fans nostalgic for yearning for the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the old draw system and a reliable fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Set to last nearly three torturous hours, the event will feature a lengthy agenda of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental video montages, scripted gags, famous faces, performances from acts with perhaps no embarrassment or financial motivations, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Duty

Among those tasked with carrying out the ceremony? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, deep well of personality possessed by these ageing sporting legends, barring an uniformed snatch-squad crashing the ceremony, it's difficult to envision what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an overly deferential English yes-man is any kind of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the response was vague. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are conscious of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The suggestion appeared that high prices are acceptable when compared with other high-end items.

The Football Business

With 42 nations already secured a place for next summer's tournament and another six set to qualify, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans across the globe wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their particular country will face in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which comes before the reveal of the winner of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through unwavering dedication and notable actions." Given that the draw is in Washington and the tournament is mostly in the United States, speculation about the recipient are widespread, though the hints are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – comments from a manager with a team in the midst of a five-game losing streak, providing a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when a dismissal occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"